When I get lost!!!

I don’t know why this happens to me, one thing is I love to dream, along a conversation when something that I knew always is told by the person whom I am talking to, I just transport myself to another world. Completely forgetting the fact that I am actually talking to someone. I am lost half the time in a day. Call it lack of concentration or whatever, but when I get lost that’s when I realise how beautiful life is. Recently my close friend was telling me something about work, initially I was following what he was saying, suddenly something, very personal, came to my mind, I was like…. Couldn’t register a word of what he was talking, but the shrewd guy, without taking offence to my change, just said I know you are in some other world. I felt bad, not that I didn’t want to listen, but it just happens to me very often. In fact as I am typing I am thinking about something else.
Why am I preoccupied all the time, various thought process occur, hits my head so hard that I can’t stop thinking all of it. To me dreaming is one way to relax my stressed mind, post dreaming I feel I have started something afresh, seriously, not exaggerating at all. But I have to make sure that whoever I am talking to does not mistake me.
Similarly I run short of words when I meet a friend after a long time, will not know what to ask, how to begin a conversation, funniest part is we would have had enjoyable moments when we were together, friends become strangers. I was asking my husband does these things happen, he was like… what did you say sweetheart, now I realise how irritating it can be if someone is not listening.

What goes around comes around

It`s eve and i have no mood to work. Honestly came to office to surf the net, chat with my friends, share with them what they are upto this evening. Not that I am a party animal but of late like to know what my friends would like to do, you know they are mindless crap!!! Talking about 2007 I must admit it has been a nice year for me. I have changed a lot. 2007 made a better person out of me (I should say). Now, I am not going to spell what I did but share the fact that everytime there is an argument in the house my hubby says "What goes around comes around." What does it mean, no idea. All our life we have constantly heard of idioms or phrases or proverbs so to speak which are life's great lessons passed on from one generation to another... Some popular ones include:
No pain no gain
As u sow so u reap
A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched
A stitch in time saves nine
:)

Other phrases in Tamil ...not so much as proverbs...told to me by all the maaaaaamis in my family:
vecha kudumi sarcha mottai
kudikaaran pechu vidinju pochua
athu le pottalum alandhu dhaan podanum
minnuvadhelam ponnala
kakkai ku than kunju pon kunju
kadai thengave eduthu vazhi pulayaruku udaicha kathai....

Anycase...point of all this is....my all time favourite saying in life is "what goes around comes around"...Why because my man says it all the time. I can recall countless incidents from my life and others known to me where this saying has stood its ground...whether its bithcing, stealin someone's guy, takin credit for someone else's work or just being plain nasty to someone....always remember...Wat goes around DEFINETLY comes around!!!!

Walking that extra mile

Talking about broken relationships, is there anyone who can really ‘HATE’ anybody. I sincerely believe nobody can hate another human being. The least they can do is dislike or at the most will not be fond of her or his ways. Angst, fear, resentment in a broken marriage or friendship just vanishes after a point. It is really surprising. Love may not stay but affection and bond continues to stay. Individuals have learnt to compartmentalise love and friendship. Friendship truly is a blessing thing, no one can forget few things in a relationship like comfort level you shared with your partner.

I think certain relationships never end completely, it stays in one corner of everyone’s heart, when we are to ourselves in a room we do cherish those moments. Even if he or she is responsible for your grief, even when your heart is bleeding, there are times you will surely think about the happiness that person has brought in your life. The texture of every relationship is unique and only the two individuals involved in it know best what completes them. It takes ample maturity to be able to look beyond the negativity that’s transpired between the two and bond as buddies. I want to write more about what I am currently going through, one friend who looked beyond my negativity and made my life easy but can’t pen this here as people already think I am bold in my writings, so my hands are tied as of now, but believe me I am happy and grateful to that person. After all this world has good in abundance. Everyone can’t be good all the time, may be only when negativism is exposed one will understand what being positive really means.

Friendship or marriage ultimately it depends on what your priorities are and the comfort level you share with anyone. Bond remains unbroken and time is the greatest healer. Finally, I am living and loving.

Society doesn’t accept women hogging the limelight!

It’s not about whether women click or not, there is something more to it, some things which cannot be answered. I am talking about Madhuri Dixit’s comeback flop film Aaja Nachle. Why do women-oriented films bomb at the box office, Is it because of the heroine or because of the script. Can Madhuri only be blamed for the failure, there is more to it. Social structure and the male psyche play prominent roles in today’s society. First, female-oriented films highlight feminism or they deal with issues like rape, prostitution, subjugation and incest which makes men feel guilty and hurt their ego. And unfortunately our society is male dominated, men think twice before watching films, unless and of course the script is really appealing.

After Malashri from Kannada films and Vijay Shanti from Telugu industry, I think no other heroine made it big. I can say no heroine has been able to spin that kind of magic here down south. On the other hand, Khoon Bhari Maang was a hit because the script had something new to offer, really fresh and elegant Rekha just gave us what we wanted. Unless the script is marvelous, female-oriented films will not kick off just for the simple fact that our society is cold towards women.

Things that diminish with time

During childhood whatever seems to be scary and magnifying diminish once we grow. Probably when you reach your late 20s what you feared the most happens to be the minutest thing. My son happens to study in my school, whenever I visit him for lunch breaks and parents staff meeting, those scary classrooms give me absolute belonging and a comfort feeling, my son would surely differ though. Everyday in the morning, the first thing he says is I don’t want go to school mummy! I won’t blame him, I remember saying the same things to my mom, at least he doesn’t throw tantrums the way I used to.

Images crumble and things diminish with time. Heroes become zeroes. Friends turn foes and enemies seem to look more soothing than ever. Way back in class IV I used to dread one teacher, she used to scare the daylights out of me. The same teacher now looks frail and my feelings for her has changed, after all she needs care and help. I could probably say the bad diminishes in stature so is the good reduced over time. But the ghost of many other teachers – some beloved others feared walks with me every time I walk across my school corridor. That was the place where I used to stand for talking in the class and that was the room where we use to bunk language classes. Time dwarfs images and what seems of immense magnitude as a child, seems of no consequence to an adult eye.

EITHER WAY WORKS FOR ME

How do you feel when you generally walk into a big place may be a new office, where people are seated orderly and the moment you step in, all turn around and look at you top to bottom, men fantasizing many more, probably the naked me or something along those lines, and after 5 minutes of talking about what shoes I wear and the colour of my dress, if its stitched well and checking out my accessories (this probably happens when one visits the place for the first time, coyingly smile at those unknown faces and trying to put up a brave and a confident me. Actually I am talking about an office I recently visited.

I am going to call me as the Girl on Subway: (after 5 mins of talking about me and the relative appropriateness of each)....So I don't quite know which pair to wear to the thing at office tomorrow....
One more thing I want to add (now looking through my bag) I hate when I leave confidential things behind. The last post was a little dramatic I know, so planning to keep this one a little more interesting. As I am free from frustrating things, my mind seems to be clear and relieving I say. The music seems to be awesome and for once feeling positive about everything that’s happening around. And now I happen to care less. Finally I have understood the real me and that is: EITHER WAY WORKS FOR ME.

Losing sanity?

On second thoughts, if suppose we happen to commit mistakes knowingly, can we get pardoned. By the way if he or she does not pardon you, how does it matter to somebody who doesn’t actually bother about his or her words but pretend to say your words matter a lot. So what if we commit mistakes, is it not exciting at times to cross the LOC. Error is human.

As far as it doesn’t hurt anybody, how stupid I am if you happen to cross the LOC it will mean you have done something drastically unpardonable and to top it all you expect forgiveness. That’s human man, expecting, expecting and expecting forever.
But anyone who has been in a long time relationship cannot but concede that mistakes are dramatic, sociable, political and can I call it economic?

I just couldn’t care less for many things, why am I like this, please don’t answer for me, know who I am, still asking, asking for the sake of asking. Chuckling, totally irrelevant, still need to blog otherwise I might go mad, probably sooner than I think. I want to talk less, I mean really less, cocooning in a way that would make people ask what happened to her. Can this happen, so people please expect sudden breakthroughs in my thought process, which is bowled over by harsh realities. But my basic position will remain the same. Doing a lot of human pitfalls and fallacies. Trusted insiders, are you guys around?

Saawariya (Just say it in Tamil)

For the first time in my life I felt like getting sloshed after watching the much-hyped Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Saawariya (seriously sethupoitian), if you have survived watching Saawariya then I am sure you can handle any situation in your life, anything dangerous, unexpected, horrible and tragic. Ranbir Kapoor, what is he made of, I mean his dancing was too good, damn flexible I say, but he is too fast when he speaks, I was gasping for breath each time he spoke, his dialogues were too lengthy, and half the time didn’t understand what he was saying, Hindi is difficult, language problem probably made to think the movie is stupid, but honestly, you may ask anybody, am sure they would have disliked the movie. Every two minutes there was song and the story line was damn silly, I wonder if Mere Naam Joker legacy is going to continue in the Kapoor khandaan, the film certainly projects Ranbir as the Raj Kapoor in Mera Naam Joker.

Kaavya took revenge by taking me for this god forsaken Saawariya, I was actually dreading the evening, something told me the movie is going to depress me more, which actually did so, am feeling gloomy, low and terribly disillusioned in life, The settings specially with no sunlight, covered by blue and dull colours just put me off, was SMSing my friend all through the movie, trying to make her understand th kind of torture I had to undergo because one little alien in Sify, thanks Kaavya, I will never forget you for life.

The simple idea of how a girl falls in love with her tenent (Salman). Stop making out to a man who is four times older than you Sonam (I mean Sonam`s intimate scenes with Salman was obnoxious). SLB has just let everyone down. I became so restless I wanted to know the ending, in fact in the process I knew I could be a good script writer. Was wondering whether Salman really existed in the movie or is Sonam just hallucinating, or is Sonam a ghost, may be mad or may be a psycho. Imagine a girl wandering the city when it’s raining cats and dogs. The best part of the movie was exceptional Zohra Sehagal, the Lillypop. It’s not worth reviewing the movie as I feel it’s an indiscreet effort after such heavy publicity. An experimental musical play, a dramatic poem without actual drama, a story without a plot, a fable without a moral lesson, a love triangle which is incomplete. It`s not worth mentioning about Rani, am pissed with her.

A Buddha statue in a red light area, canals and boats like Venice, snowfall, artistic graffiti on streets, all make it a where-on-earth-is-this f…..location.

Feelings

Lots of pimples, some hurt, some looks bad and some itchy, never had those when I was supposed to have them, now at 29 I am having them, as if they wanted to take vengeance for all those lost years. The first thing my cousin asked me during Diwali was how come your face has so many of them, he didn’t bother to even wish me, any need for people to ask why it has come, as if I know the answer, actually I am waiting for it to go, another reason to feel depressed and low. Visited the doctor, a famous one in the city, she has prescribed gels and creams and of course tablets, but its been more than a month, no visible change. When one goes, another one appears, the worst part is the density is increasing day by day.

Sometimes so bored of looking after myself, so what If they are there, my sister was saying to stop thinking about it, but its not possible, every time I look into the mirror, the first thing I see are those bulges and blemishes. Even if people indulge in a conversation with me, I have a feeling they first check them out, advise me to avoid oil, ghee, chips, ice creams and chocolates, honestly, I can’t live without them, hope some magic happens and I get a blemish less skin.

Now I pray to god as I down to sleep, My lord please keep my shape, no wrinkles please, no age spots, please no gray, please no sags, please keep me healthy, keep me young and thank you lord for all that you have given.
To feel what I feel now, is to feel everything there is to feel in the world.

I don’t care!!!!

No matter what people say, I have to write what I feel, I mean that was the reason why I started a blog, so, for heaven sake don’t try to advise me, you know am not the listening type. I have reached a point where I just can’t do it, really I mean, enough, I have done enough and now I need to look out, which I am,

This is how I feel right now:

Flesh-eating, eye-gouging, skin-scratching, heart-bleeding, skull-crushing, life-blighting, soul-destroying darkness. Darkness drawing me deeper and deeper down a long well, a long spiraling descent into a place where all sense of self is lost- where all you ever were, all you wanted to be, and all you are is lost, sucked down into a miasma and maelstrom of never ending destruction, torment, suffering.

I know i always sound depressed, but when someone feels that way, you can't you leave him or her the way she wants to be. On the other hand, am so cautious that there at times I have left valuable things pass by, should I call it cautious or careless?

I am not over emphasizing a minor part and diminishing a major development, I am just trying to do something, at least attempting to do so, never know that might boomerang,As my friend says I am the best judge, Thanks Sam for being with me. End of the day it’s you who I always count on!

Searching, thinking, reminding….

What’s running my mind, lot of things, simultaneously, like many waves lashing the shores, one after the other, non-stop. Where to start and where to end, when thought process overflows. Its like I have been holding my breadth for a while now and I finally exhaled! I can’t even say I have exhaled it fully, because there seems to be leftovers.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and grounded into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. Some decisions we want to take but since our decisions affect many specially when it comes to family, we are chained not to take it, though heart of hearts we feel we need to change. Compulsion, responsibility do change your entire living.

When my options are closed, I feel worthless, one friend says I set preconditions. Anyway, sometimes all of us feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE YOU. I just want to remember this: Amateurs Built The Ark and Professionals Built The Titanic!

Husband Vs Wife

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"



W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

THE TIME

The humble and the most punitive beast in today's world is... Any guesses, Yes you are right, it is the TIME. Most of us take this beast for granted. One thing I have realised that I must enjoy the present moment and if not now then when!!Sometimes, whether we like it or now, rules have to be obeyed. This especially goes for the single thing like the TIMEI have enjoyed my moments of dodging time and playing with it promiscuously. I have had a great deal of fun cheating time and living by the moment. And then when I woke up one fine day, I realised that it was not time I was dodging, but myself….I guess one should not gamble unless one can live with the loss if things don’t work out the way you had hoped!

But all said and done, I still reminisce the nice era when me and my buddy TIME were inseparable.

There have been times when I pray for certain phases in my life to vanish from my memory, but actually I am wrong, those phases which have gone by have taught me lots of things. Victory, defeat, hurt, happiness, sadness,love, care, affection, reciprocation, patience, anger, laughter, elusion, emotions, ignorance, relationships and many more. an endless list of things, if only we ponder , we can realise how valvuable this 'beast' has been. As they say there will be a TIME when you realise how important few things are in life.

TIME is simple yet so complicated. Sometimes, it doesnt matter how hard you try and get close, TIME always eludes you - but then at other times, no matter how much you try to stay away, you are sucked in by the vortex!!! And then there is always the case where you just know you care and comforted by the fact that TIME is alsways there till you hit the grave.

Sentimental trash

As I say bye to one more past and openly hug the new one cast. I hope and pray today shall bring lots of happiness and songs to sing that your presence in my life shall fill for all that this year made so nil and in every moment that means much pain, joy, triumph.

Everyday I look forward to something new, something exciting, something as fresh as a lily. Expectations after expectations. One special wish, I want it to come true:

Once in a while I want to revisit my past and freeze those moments.

I WANT TO BE POSTITIVE!!!

Drama queen goes on and on…

Work wise September and October till day has been a killer for me… Almost to reach November looks as depressing as ever....without sounding much like a drama queen...I really do need a break,...and November promises to provide me just that....so in the meantime.. I plan to grit my teeth and see November, December through... Mom is arriving from Delhi, should I be happy or not. Don’t know? Any clues?

You can see the veteran drama queen at my place, essentially analysing the kind of living I am in and would wait till my husband goes to sleep or becomes busy with his TV and creepily ask Is everything okay?

Will start of with her stories, some interesting and some boring, she would also like to do the wackiest things possible like Ten Downing, Bhul Bhooliya, shopping, beauty parlour, visit relatives and friends place (not so exciting) and more importantly would do a investigation on my wardrobe, probably need to hide few stuff of mine. I have this policy of not lending my clothes to her but when she comes the first thing I do open her bag and try to take as many sarees and salwars and jewellery. What a daughter! Hey she is coming from Delhi, she can buy whatever she wants when she goes back, may be would like to join her. Hopefully…

Things I want to do before I kick the bucket

1. I want many to read my blog and comment, encourage me please, specially Faheeda Fahad

1a. Shed kilos.....become thin and wear all kinds of clothes ;)

2. May be if I have the mood would have another kid...if god willing a daughter

3. Learn how to swim well.. I think its a ultra cool sport

4. Tell my boss whatever I wanted to say ;)

5. One thing which I wanted to do for a long time, I know you guys can think I am gone crazy, thats ok: Since I was in the 11th and we used to hang out in the beach all the time.. I want to snatch some kadalai, Manga from the cart and run...:)

6. Run on the streets of Chennai and not give a dam who's looking. Knee or Kick some asshole in the balls who gropes me on the road / bus / any public place.... and how I wish I could do the same with the meniacs in Orkut who ask for request with an ulterior motive.

7. A romantic evening with my crush...

8. Go on a shopping spree and splurge an obscene amount of money in a very short while… (Well my hubby has been accommodative all this while, may be I am testing his patience. Perfumes and clothes and slippers are top on the list.

8. Drive a Merc on the ECR road.

9. Take my hubby where ever I want to go, he must just nod all the time, when I say I want to go here, there and everywhere. Wow what fun will it be huh!!!

10. Educate my maid's kid

11. Will surely donate my eyes for those special children. I am seriously contemplating this too and am hoping this can be done

12. Just wanting do an item number with SRK

13. Buy my father one of those "around the world in 80days" kind of packages

14. Become one of those fitness enthusiasts, who make it a point to work out regularly and watch what they eat...

15. Last but not the least.... tell every person I know what exactly I think of them (both good and bad) and not worry about the consequences :)

Beat the stress this way

Crying makes you feel really better, believe me, it is the best stress reliever. Anti-depressants, chocolates or shopping might not work all the time. One would feel really light after crying, in fact whatever reasons you had cried for becomes so silly. The world looks more better and warm. It’s like sometimes so inexplicable to reason out many things in life. When I feel really low, I don’t know tears just roll down after which I feel the new ‘Me’in me. The anger also subsides.

Of late many things put me off, I want to be left alone, some place where no one recognises me. A complete stranger to all those around, where I don’t have to pretend to smile, talk or even laugh for things which I don’t enjoy at all. I honestly feel if you want to be nice to someone it should come from your heart and not do for the sake of being cordial. Whatever I do I make it a point not to pretend but when am I not reciprocated the same way, its bloody frustrating. I feel nothing can be mended. I hope to get out of this phase as soon as possible. I am just going to maintain a low profile till then. Hopefully undisturbed! Sorry state of affairs.

About Orkut
Initially, I was very excited about Orkut, probably because felt I could get in touch with my old friends, that was the idea of getting into this community first, Now, if anything that puts me off the most I will list Orkut as first.

What is this idea of sending friendly request to someone you don’t know at all, am really asking do they really have the luxury of getting to know so many people. Some insensible ones come, admire me with so many adjectives, flirt as if they have never seen a woman in life. For your information all these men are married and well settled in life. The worst part in case you respond they go on and on. You are bombarded with nasty questions. Hey dear, what did you eat today, as if it is of any importance to them. One more thing they asked: What are you wearing today, how does it matter yaar, I don’t delete my scraps, you can check it out. Life is such to me.

Faking pride!

Something which I wanted to ask for a long time, its hitting my head hard, even if they mistake me I really don’t mind not that I don’t care of what people think but I need to mention this. What is this idea of living abroad, all those who have lived in India for so long just change when they happen to go abroad for whatever reasons, they speak as if they have been born and brought there (some cheap foreign land). One friend who has spent half her years says Chennai is superficial, what exactly is superficial. I don’t know. Why can’t you talk about the kind of living you are in, not surely the one you always enjoyed here (In India).

Also it is ridiculous when US returns talk about grocery shopping or laundry like things as if we never do it here, is it something very exciting to share? I don’t tell you I went to Murugan Idly kadai or Lifestyle for shopping. Gave 2 pants, 3 shirts and many underwears for laundry. I hate to hear these things, but the fact is what I hate the most, I hear it everyday!

I feel they people enjoy false pride or if they feel they are making me feel low or jealous, just for their information, I just laugh inside. Nothing else. Tell you it’s sometime damn humourous to watch these people making a fool of themselves. Hey there is so much of traffic, pollution, corruption, blah blah!! Aren’t you a part of all these!!!

Thinking and always thinking!

I want to stop thinking but I can never do it successfully. Why so? Also, Why are men and women different yet so alike? An age old query, nevertheless, unanswered! What's your take?

Movies that rankle in my mind

Week before last it was the Exorcism of Emily Rose, a true life story of a 19-year-old girl possessed by six demons. The movie really shook me, still can’t get over few scenes, feel very scared to go to the bathroom, the funniest part is I ask my hubby to stand outside till I finish my chores. Actually scared everyone in the office by talking about the movie.

Lakshmy, my friend yelled at me saying because of me she was not able to attend the nature’s call. Another friend and I kept watching ghost trailers. I am petrified about their very existence but I still don’t ignore them. Some weird feelings creep in when I watch those spooky stuff, do I like them or am I just wailing away the time! I really don’t know.

Last night I watched Laaga Chuneri Mein Daag, a concept which was done way back in 1970s, now rediscovered by Pradeep Sarkar. The famous Kollywood director K Balachander has done lots of movies with the same story line: The girl who sacrifices herself for the family. In short, turns a prostitute to save her family from poverty. A director who was ahead of his times.

Pradeep Sarkar has not done anything new to the movie. It actually should be named Laaga Chuneri Se Bhaag! Anyway I don’t intend to do a review of the movie, the point is after a long time I watched a night show. Great theatre, warm company and pretty Konkana.

****

Learnt few things over the weekend, my friend has come from London, we had invited him for dinner, a true friend who has been with me through thick and thin. In fact how much ever I ignore him rather try to ignore, he is one guy who puts up with me, why should be so nice to me, I am not that perfect a friend.
As we were talking about our stay in Sri Lanka, casually I had asked him about his dogs: Betty and Rocky. Rocky is a real rock star, he loves handbags and dhuppatas. He said he had given Rocky to his friend, asked whether he visited him this time, he said ‘No’ and ‘No’ because dogs when they see their old masters, they might go into a depression. Amazing that dogs are this emotional, actually I must say they are more emotional than humans. Just think about it, a dog getting depressed, I believe it will start thinking about the days it had spent with its old master and might even die. God! Love, affection and loyalty does persist, no matter what you are.