EITHER WAY WORKS FOR ME

How do you feel when you generally walk into a big place may be a new office, where people are seated orderly and the moment you step in, all turn around and look at you top to bottom, men fantasizing many more, probably the naked me or something along those lines, and after 5 minutes of talking about what shoes I wear and the colour of my dress, if its stitched well and checking out my accessories (this probably happens when one visits the place for the first time, coyingly smile at those unknown faces and trying to put up a brave and a confident me. Actually I am talking about an office I recently visited.

I am going to call me as the Girl on Subway: (after 5 mins of talking about me and the relative appropriateness of each)....So I don't quite know which pair to wear to the thing at office tomorrow....
One more thing I want to add (now looking through my bag) I hate when I leave confidential things behind. The last post was a little dramatic I know, so planning to keep this one a little more interesting. As I am free from frustrating things, my mind seems to be clear and relieving I say. The music seems to be awesome and for once feeling positive about everything that’s happening around. And now I happen to care less. Finally I have understood the real me and that is: EITHER WAY WORKS FOR ME.

Losing sanity?

On second thoughts, if suppose we happen to commit mistakes knowingly, can we get pardoned. By the way if he or she does not pardon you, how does it matter to somebody who doesn’t actually bother about his or her words but pretend to say your words matter a lot. So what if we commit mistakes, is it not exciting at times to cross the LOC. Error is human.

As far as it doesn’t hurt anybody, how stupid I am if you happen to cross the LOC it will mean you have done something drastically unpardonable and to top it all you expect forgiveness. That’s human man, expecting, expecting and expecting forever.
But anyone who has been in a long time relationship cannot but concede that mistakes are dramatic, sociable, political and can I call it economic?

I just couldn’t care less for many things, why am I like this, please don’t answer for me, know who I am, still asking, asking for the sake of asking. Chuckling, totally irrelevant, still need to blog otherwise I might go mad, probably sooner than I think. I want to talk less, I mean really less, cocooning in a way that would make people ask what happened to her. Can this happen, so people please expect sudden breakthroughs in my thought process, which is bowled over by harsh realities. But my basic position will remain the same. Doing a lot of human pitfalls and fallacies. Trusted insiders, are you guys around?

Saawariya (Just say it in Tamil)

For the first time in my life I felt like getting sloshed after watching the much-hyped Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Saawariya (seriously sethupoitian), if you have survived watching Saawariya then I am sure you can handle any situation in your life, anything dangerous, unexpected, horrible and tragic. Ranbir Kapoor, what is he made of, I mean his dancing was too good, damn flexible I say, but he is too fast when he speaks, I was gasping for breath each time he spoke, his dialogues were too lengthy, and half the time didn’t understand what he was saying, Hindi is difficult, language problem probably made to think the movie is stupid, but honestly, you may ask anybody, am sure they would have disliked the movie. Every two minutes there was song and the story line was damn silly, I wonder if Mere Naam Joker legacy is going to continue in the Kapoor khandaan, the film certainly projects Ranbir as the Raj Kapoor in Mera Naam Joker.

Kaavya took revenge by taking me for this god forsaken Saawariya, I was actually dreading the evening, something told me the movie is going to depress me more, which actually did so, am feeling gloomy, low and terribly disillusioned in life, The settings specially with no sunlight, covered by blue and dull colours just put me off, was SMSing my friend all through the movie, trying to make her understand th kind of torture I had to undergo because one little alien in Sify, thanks Kaavya, I will never forget you for life.

The simple idea of how a girl falls in love with her tenent (Salman). Stop making out to a man who is four times older than you Sonam (I mean Sonam`s intimate scenes with Salman was obnoxious). SLB has just let everyone down. I became so restless I wanted to know the ending, in fact in the process I knew I could be a good script writer. Was wondering whether Salman really existed in the movie or is Sonam just hallucinating, or is Sonam a ghost, may be mad or may be a psycho. Imagine a girl wandering the city when it’s raining cats and dogs. The best part of the movie was exceptional Zohra Sehagal, the Lillypop. It’s not worth reviewing the movie as I feel it’s an indiscreet effort after such heavy publicity. An experimental musical play, a dramatic poem without actual drama, a story without a plot, a fable without a moral lesson, a love triangle which is incomplete. It`s not worth mentioning about Rani, am pissed with her.

A Buddha statue in a red light area, canals and boats like Venice, snowfall, artistic graffiti on streets, all make it a where-on-earth-is-this f…..location.

Feelings

Lots of pimples, some hurt, some looks bad and some itchy, never had those when I was supposed to have them, now at 29 I am having them, as if they wanted to take vengeance for all those lost years. The first thing my cousin asked me during Diwali was how come your face has so many of them, he didn’t bother to even wish me, any need for people to ask why it has come, as if I know the answer, actually I am waiting for it to go, another reason to feel depressed and low. Visited the doctor, a famous one in the city, she has prescribed gels and creams and of course tablets, but its been more than a month, no visible change. When one goes, another one appears, the worst part is the density is increasing day by day.

Sometimes so bored of looking after myself, so what If they are there, my sister was saying to stop thinking about it, but its not possible, every time I look into the mirror, the first thing I see are those bulges and blemishes. Even if people indulge in a conversation with me, I have a feeling they first check them out, advise me to avoid oil, ghee, chips, ice creams and chocolates, honestly, I can’t live without them, hope some magic happens and I get a blemish less skin.

Now I pray to god as I down to sleep, My lord please keep my shape, no wrinkles please, no age spots, please no gray, please no sags, please keep me healthy, keep me young and thank you lord for all that you have given.
To feel what I feel now, is to feel everything there is to feel in the world.

I don’t care!!!!

No matter what people say, I have to write what I feel, I mean that was the reason why I started a blog, so, for heaven sake don’t try to advise me, you know am not the listening type. I have reached a point where I just can’t do it, really I mean, enough, I have done enough and now I need to look out, which I am,

This is how I feel right now:

Flesh-eating, eye-gouging, skin-scratching, heart-bleeding, skull-crushing, life-blighting, soul-destroying darkness. Darkness drawing me deeper and deeper down a long well, a long spiraling descent into a place where all sense of self is lost- where all you ever were, all you wanted to be, and all you are is lost, sucked down into a miasma and maelstrom of never ending destruction, torment, suffering.

I know i always sound depressed, but when someone feels that way, you can't you leave him or her the way she wants to be. On the other hand, am so cautious that there at times I have left valuable things pass by, should I call it cautious or careless?

I am not over emphasizing a minor part and diminishing a major development, I am just trying to do something, at least attempting to do so, never know that might boomerang,As my friend says I am the best judge, Thanks Sam for being with me. End of the day it’s you who I always count on!